The Freedom to Worship

The purpose of worship can get a little confusing. Life has a habit of distracting us from our goals and refocusing isn't always an easy task. Personally, I have been distracted by a depression that attempted to overtake my soul. I have no reason to complain, but I do see the reality of what 2014 has been for me. The months have been filled with struggle, so connecting with God has been far from easy, especially in worship. There were a few shining moments of intimacy with my Lord, but for the most part I dread attending worship or talking about anything spiritual.

The last couple weeks I've been trying to dedicate myself to sincere worship, but I've also had a case of the "why bothers" when it comes to musical worship. This Sunday was no exception; I sang along distractedly, longing just to sit back down and zone out. A lyric broke through my fog: "You're the reason we sing." It was exceptional -- God is the reason we sing. It seems simple, but it shocked me. I'm not here to look or sound like I'm worshiping well; I'm not here to impress with my ability to focus on the music; I'm not even here to feel good or get something out of the experience. I worship for the express purpose of worshiping God.

It is so beautifully freeing to realize that worship is not for impressing or pleasing anyone except God, and that's something we take for granted in America. We are so free to worship God that we essentially bind ourselves up; we become caught up in trivial things like who is watching and what they're thinking that we don't allow ourselves to worship wholeheartedly. You and I must allow ourselves and others to be comfortable in praising our Creator. We must not judge or label, and we especially cannot hold back. 

It may be as simple as clapping along or choosing to pray instead of sing, or as exuberant as dancing with joy! We may choose to worship one way at home in the 'prayer closet' and another in public, but no matter what we ought to always give our all to God in worship. Why? Because He alone is the reason we sing.

A Single Shovelful

One day a man was walking with his donkey when they happened upon an empty well, many feet deep. The donkey fell into the bottom of the well, but the man, distressed as he was, could do nothing. The donkey brayed and cried for help, but he had no way to help his beloved donkey out of the well. Tears streaming down the man's face, he slowly began shoveling dirt into the well to put the donkey out of his misery. Eventually the donkey's cries ended, and the deed was done. The man was brokenhearted. He was then surprised to feel a soft nudge against his back. He turned and there was his donkey! He realized that, little by little, the donkey had climbed his way out of the well as the man had poured dirt in. With shovelful, the donkey took a step until it could climb out on its own. The man rejoiced and hugged his donkey around its neck.

A friend shared this story with me after we had long talked of depression and suicide. It's so heartbreaking to think that someone's heart can be so utterly empty that they feel unable to cope, but it happens all too often. I have been at the bottom of that pit, and it is a place of desperation. There have been times when all I wanted was a bit of hope and I found none. Instead, my heart and soul cried out as the donkey did. I had no way to pull myself out. Many have been in that place and taken their own lives because of this realization that there is nothing they can do. 

I like to think that is when God sends in reinforcements -- shovelfuls of dirt. Or, in my opinion, doses of hope (see here). When we are at the bottom of the well, it is harder to see the help. It often looks like little more than dirt. Somehow, God is able to use those little bits, and even the smallest hope can keep us from staying where we're at.

The Little Things Are Often the Biggest

When we are in the thick of hard times, our vision is so easily clouded. Getting out (or just staying afloat) requires a focus on what really matters: 

Remember those who care and desire to help, even when their help isn't perfect. 

Spend time around people who will lift you up. 

Read the Psalms, a book of honest struggle from people who were just as human as we are. 

Pray. Pray. Pray. I personally find that it is so difficult to talk to God when I am struggling, but He is the one who knows the depths of my heart better than anyone else could. 

Be thankful for what you have, even when it doesn't seem like much. 

Tell someone that you are struggling. I beg you not to suffer alone. See a counselor and ask a friend for help. It's probably the hardest part of dealing with depression, but it is so important.

Never Give Up

I know how it feels to want the pain to just stop. I have been so low that when I have a spare moment to sit by myself, I close my eyes and soak in the silence and wish that I could simply stop existing. Satan is so skilled in his ability to wear us down that it is not unbelievable that a person would take their own life because of his whisperings. His voice becomes like a built-in speakerphone within our minds; it feels like it's on 24/7, never ceasing. 

On the other hand, we have a God who is also never ceasing. His power is greater, his love is stronger, and his words are truer, and he can give us that one little shovelful that we need, that one dose of hope. There will be times when we are overflowing and times when we are consistently at the bottom with that one last bit. I urge you to press on, however hard it may be. It isn't over yet.

Not Done Yet

There has been a longstanding emptiness in my heart, and though things have improved the last few months, I am still broken. I long for peace but I wrestle with emotion instead. This semester has been filled with stress and anxiety. I have been overwhelmed, falling behind since classes began. There are days I find myself unable to carry my own weight. It seems as if I've just been waiting for the semester to end.

But beyond all of that, there is hope. I am hurting and unsure, but I'm not giving up. Friends and family have poured out blessing upon blessing, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I cannot fully express my gratitude for the support I've received. The hardest thing is that I still feel very far from God. I desire to be filled with living water, but am living in a desert. The only thing I can say is that I must not be done yet. I hold out hope. I continue.

…And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

The Rest of My Life

I want to attempt to shift my focus a bit. I've been dealing with the muck of life lately and it's healthy, no matter how difficult it is. However,  the world seem a little darker when all you talk about is how dark it is. This post is simply a list of things I'd like to do with the rest of my life. I'm writing them down here so they can become something tangible, and I'd encourage you to write yours down, too. It doesn't have to be public, but do write them, even if you don't think you'll get the chance to do them.

• I want to travel. I want to see God's creations and I want to document it with pictures, words, and drawings. I want to stand in awe of my creator and learn about myself alongside my husband.
• I want to feel free. I'm not sure what that might look like, but I'd love to see how it plays out.
• I want to finish a journal. I want to fill it to the brim with the very breath from my lungs and to be unashamed if I have to cross out misspelled words or keep un-beautiful scribbles.
• I want to feel useful. So much of my life has been wasted feeling like I was a burden, and I would love to know how it feels to be irreplaceable in the things I do.
• I want to be an artist. I want to draw and paint and write and create because everything that we make is an echo of the creator. When we make something out of [nearly] nothing, we are acting like our Father, and nothing makes me feel more like me than being like Him.
• I want to feel closer to God. That is an ongoing goal for the rest of my life, until the day I am united with Him for the rest of eternity, and I hope the choices I make in life only bring me closer to Him.
• I want to be me. I feel as if I've lost myself in the last month and a half and in that time I've struggled with the idea of exactly who I am. Am I nerdy? Am I a hipster? Am I a bookworm? Does it matter? I want to be content in being undefined by social titles, and to rest in the fact that I am me, and I belong to God.

These aren't the only things I want to do, but this is a very good start, and these things sum up most of what I want to accomplish. This isn't a task list, but rather a hope for the days to come.

Choose to Fight

Let's face it: depression is crippling. It's like an all-consuming monster, lurking at every moment just beneath the surface of the heart. When a Christian is depressed, Satan uses lies to deepen the hurt. Satan may not be the only one speaking, but his is loud and powerful, and it's not only that you feel like giving in; you don't feel like you're able to do anything to stop it.

I understand. Depression makes you feel completely alone and powerless, but that isn't the truth. Satan wants you to think that you have no hope, but there is hope. God's love is bigger and stronger and fiercer than depression. His love casts out fear, it perseveres, and it conquers. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that, even though you're suffering, everything is fine and you just need to suck it up. Chances are, you're sucking it up as much as you can already. However, I want you to know that this is worth the fight. We cannot allow depression to swallow us whole. Go on and cry, but also pray. If there's nothing else you can say, just say His name. Don't sink into the lies that Satan has laid as traps for you. 

If you are depressed, chances are you're not going to be okay tomorrow (but, who knows?!). That does not mean that you must give in. Don't let it fester, and don't pretend to be okay. Tell someone. Ask for help. Pray. It's okay to not be okay, but it isn't okay to lie about it. Depression isn't just what you're feeling now, it's a battle that won't go away if you don't fight. Fight for yourself, fight for your spouse, fight for your friends, and fight for your family. So stand up, or lie down, or do whatever you can bring yourself to do...and choose to fight. 

Just Be

If you had to describe yourself using only one word, what would you say? There seems to be so much pressure to define ourselves, to find a way to prove we are unique with one glance or one word. I have wasted so much of my life trying to "create" myself, to be who they want me to be or to become who I want me to be. I have placed all my value on what others think of me, and even on what I think of me. I've torn my hair out, aching with sadness.

We can spend our whole lives working to be good enough and never make it. There will always be someone we disappoint, but let's not make it ourselves. We were not created to wallow in self-pity or to bask in our own glory. Rather, we were created to reflect the glory of God. What we wear, say, do or feel, is not who we are. We are children of God. We are learning and growing and changing constantly. We are stumbling and laughing and crying. And that's okay. When we realize who we are (and whose we are), we free ourselves to just be.

Prisoner of the Lord

There are moments when I feel everything within me collapse. It's as if my body were a building and it suddenly and simply falls, for no reason at all. I crumble, sure that there is no way I'll ever be able to get back up. This is how I feel after a panic attack. 

The anxiety itself is exhausting; I become completely and totally overwhelmed, and most of the time I am incredibly and uncontrollably angry at myself. I feel utterly ridiculous, crashing around, wanting to both scream and sob. It's like a war is waging within me and I cannot say a word. I just feel all these things and evil words are racing through my brain at a hundred miles an hour and I can no longer breathe or speak or think. I am helpless. When it passes, I feel defeated. 

Though depression used to be my main demon, anxiety has taken over. I often find myself wondering if I am crazy and if I will ever find peace. I know I need to go to counseling, but I haven't found the strength to do so yet. The fear is so crippling; knowing how broken I am tends to make me more afraid. I fear that it will never leave me. I fear I am the only one. I fear that it will become worse. However, no matter how big the fear may be, my God is bigger.

I am writing this post, still reeling from the latest attack. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on New Year's Eve after the anxiety had left me, and I was afraid. My husband comforted me with words of truth:

"You are not crazy."

"It will be okay, one day, even if that isn't in this life."

"You are not alone."

Oh, how wonderful those words were; what a comfort to my aching spirit. I still found myself sniffling away the tears, but with a newfound hope. I am not a prisoner to my fears, nor to Satan. Instead, I am a prisoner of Christ, my Lord and Savior, the man who died on the cross to take away my burdens, not in this life, but in the next. I am often ashamed by my struggles, afraid to tell anyone, and afraid to deal with them. It isn't always okay in our society to not be okay, but I am here to tell you that it will be okay, one day. When Christ returns, He shall conquer all fear, pain, and sickness. Until that day, may these words be as much a comfort to you as they are to me:

"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all" (Ephesians 4:1-6).

 No matter how hopeless it may feel, I am not the enemy's prisoner. I am a prisoner of the Lord, and I will walk as such.