I have this issue with dependence. No, not that I'm too dependent; rather, I'm far too independent. It is a learned response to certain situations in my life, which I won't explain in detail. Generally, I have quite often felt that it was wrong to depend upon others. Many experiences have triggered this response, and it doesn't matter what has happened. What does matter is that dependence is a very hard thing for me to learn.
I'm sure that others struggle with this as well, especially in America. We are a very independent culture, and it's unusual for us to rely on one another. This, in combination with my own personal experience, has caused me to pull away from people, to become quite introverted, and to even feel guilty when I require the help of others. In addition, it has allowed me to pity myself when I don't ask for help and no one helps me. I hold on to feelings of resentment towards others who never knew I needed help, and I use my pain to make people feel badly for me. It's a terrible, terrible habit, but I think that at first I was convinced it was helping me to open up to people, to make friends, and to become a bit less independent. However, it did not.
Instead of allowing my past wounds to heal, I continued to pick at the scabs, and then proceeded to keep showing everyone my scars. Yes, the wounds of independence ran deep. I wanted everyone's sympathy, but no one's help. I wanted their love but I wasn't willing to ask for it or even to admit how much I needed it. This was my first year at Bible college, and probably most of my second year as well. I thought I was healing but in reality I am still a very broken individual.
One of my professors taught us something very profound my first semester here at Boise Bible. He showed us how vital community is to human function. I believed wholeheartedly that it was wrong (maybe even a sin) to rely upon others. Only God was allowed to help me, and I was hardly able to allow that. Instead, he helped me realize how wrong (and maybe even sinful) it is to rely only upon myself. I was in a state of independence, and I couldn't seem to see beyond it. However, I am continually learning how much I truly need other people. Wedding planning has really helped with that. I have discovered in the last month or so that I cannot do this all myself.
It is a lesson that I will keep on learning, and a state I will continue to struggle with. However, I feel that I am just starting to come out of the darkness that is pure independence, and I think everyone should know how much more hopeful it is out here.
