My Best Advice

My husband and I on our wedding day.

I'm not sure exactly what has motivated me to do this, but I have chosen to write a blog about relationship advice. This advice isn’t necessarily about what to do or how to become the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife. If that is what you are looking for, look elsewhere because I am not there. Instead, this is a list of thoughts I have cultivated through trials in my relationships. They can apply to romantic relationships, but I think it’s just some important stuff to know when traversing life.

1. Learning to listen is more important than finding a way to be heard. It’s surprising how easy it is to become enamored with being listened to.  When you find a very good friend or a significant other who is willing to listen, it can be all too easy to keep on talking, but the gift of listening is worth cultivating. Listening will also get you a lot farther than talking.

2. You should be motivated to be your best self, but not to be someone else. This one might seem a bit obvious, but I’ve seen many people jump the most ridiculous hoops to please others, and I’ve done it too. It isn’t healthy to change yourself to please another person or to pretend you aren’t you. God created you with a unique personality and He wants to cultivate that. My husband was the first person with whom I felt comfortable to be my crazy, silly self around, and God used him to help me figure out who I really am.

3. Things are not going to be like they are in the movies, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be horribly boring; it'll just be different. Just like every person is unique, every relationship is also unique. Chances are, though, you aren’t going to meet in the summer of 1940 and argue a lot and kiss in the rain like in The Notebook. It won’t be carbon copy, but it will be yours. There will be highs and lows and I hope you find a way to love every second of it.

4. It is okay if you fight, but when you do fight, choose your battles wisely. When my husband and I first met, I was afraid to begin a relationship because I was horrified at the idea of anything bad ever happening. Luckily, that phase didn’t last too long; otherwise we might never have gotten together. Most of the things that we get upset over aren’t that important in the long run. Don’t pick fights just to try to win. Don’t let things fester just to really rub it in. Don’t try to get even. Try to understand what the other person is feeling and try to honestly convey how you’re feeling.

5. Your relationship is not the most important thing in the world; God is. I rest assured that if anything were to happen to my husband, I would always still have God. My marriage will not last beyond death. My God will. Of course, I love my husband and am devoted to loving him as best I can, but God is my priority. The same goes for my friendships. I adore the friends I have and would never want to see those relationships dissolve, but God is the Eternal One. He is the One in Whom my soul finds rest.

The Church Bears Each Other's Burdens

You will need other people.

I saw this quote today, and even though the first bit is a bit silly, I was reminded how hard it is to remember something like this. "You will need other people." It's so simple, but how many of us act like it's okay to do, to need other people? 

Sometimes we get so broken and so lost that we are totally disoriented. We hardly remember who we are and forget how to survive in this world. If this happens when we're young, as it did for me, we never first learn who or how. We stumble, covered in emotional mud, unable to see a way out. Then, when we do escape the mire, we aren't sure how to live, how to be 'normal.' We need help but we don't feel like it's right to ask anyone for it.

In the Church, it is our job to take the hands of others as they step from the darkness into the light. It is our responsibility and our honor to love and guide those who need it, because they do: they need it. And when we're the ones who need it, it is our responsibility and honor to be helped. 

The Church bears each other's burdens because we are all struggling at one point or another, and we say care. So let's do it. Let's be that shoulder to cry on. Let's be that late night phone call or that quiet support. Let's be that unknown prayer or that sobbing mess. We'll only be better for it.

Create Like He Created.

One of my favorite things in the world is art. I love just about every kind of art I've come across so far. I love beautiful things, things that echo the beauty of God's creations. I want to write and sing and draw and paint and dance for my King. I want to bring Him glory with every word that trickles from my lips and my pen. I want to honor Him with each line and brushstroke. I long to make things that are beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I could stop everything I am doing and just create. I wish I could cultivate the beauty within me, placed there by the Creator of the universe, so that I can make something He would love. It's when I feel the closest to Him, and when I feel most myself: when I create. Why? Because He created, and when I create I am being like Him. I'm not creating things "ex nihilo," or, "out of nothing," but rather out of the creativity that He placed in me. It's a daughter aspiring to be like her Father. It's me being me. Something deep within me just longs to create like He created.

"Always the Sinner, Never the Saint": an original poem

Life

seems to consist of a string of tragedies

all of which were clearly not my fault

or at least

were unintentional

Every day I wish to be better

to be more than I am

to be new

Every day (if I remember)

I pray for help

yet nothing changes

My heart aches for newness

for the beauty of rebirth

Instead I come begging for forgiveness

yet again

begging for change

begging for something to happen

I'm being torn apart

day by day;

limb by limb

and it's terrifying

but somehow,

beneficial

Children are Like Books

If there's one thing I've learned from working with kids, it's this: you absolutely cannot judge a child based upon their behavior. First of all, children are in a constant state of growth and change, always learning and testing boundaries. None of those things are bad, though it might often push the buttons of some of us stubborn adults. Secondly, children act out for all sorts of reasons, and just as God has been patient with all His children, so should we be patient with the children we come across. Third, if the child is not yours, you have no idea what they are going through in life. I might even argue that parents don't always know exactly what emotions underlie the actions of their children. Point is, don't judge a child until you have walked a mile [or two] in their shoes.

On my first day at my current job, I met a girl of about eleven or twelve who sure knows how to play the diva. She is often disrespectful and can be such a handful. I feared her the moment I met her. Honestly, her personality is just so different from mine, and it threw me off quite a bit. She is an outgoing little girl and I am shy and reserved. I don't like to be tested by kids like this. It is always my temptation to ignore her and be grateful when she is picked up early!

Lately, I have seen deeper into her heart. A few times in the last week or two she has clung to me a bit and been very polite. Today, though, I saw her sob and it broke my heart. One of the teachers is honestly passionate about kids, but doesn't quite have the depth of heart necessary to really love them and care for them. Something he said to tease the girl today set her off, and rather than getting angry and sassy as I might have expected, she was truly hurting. I tried to suggest that she talk to him about it, but she was so hurt that she couldn't fathom speaking to him.

Another time, during the hustle and bustle of getting kids in and sitting them down, another girl [who, by the way, is quite a hassle most of the time] stopped me as I was rushing by. She wanted to show me her dress, standing there in all her God-given glory, chestnut brown hair falling around her face. So there she stood, asking me if I liked her dress, only barely daring to turn just a bit, back and forth, waiting for my deliberation. I could see the desire burning in her eyes, the longing to be seen. The most automatic response would be "Uh-huh, sure. Nice." and walking away. I was in a hurry to do something [I don't even remember what it was, now], and usually that would have taken priority. For some reason, though, I stopped instead.

"It's lovely!" I said. Her eyes gleamed, a little gap-toothed smile breaking through. She then continued to tell me about her hair, that it had been braided back but had fallen out during the day. "I'm sure it was lovely," I told her. "It was," she said, and the joy was unmistakable. In that moment, she was exactly who she was created to be: a beautiful little girl, infinitely loved -- not by me, but by the One who created her! 

There's an unmistakable contrast between the two stories. One child felt shamed and hated while the other felt loved and assured in her identity. Also contrasted is the treatment of the children. One teacher chose to use words that hurt and destroy while I chose to use words that would encourage and bring life. Both girls seem to struggle with their identity and needed to be loved. Only one had her needs met.

When we interact with children, we often forget that they are people. We do this with adults as well, but I think that with kids it's more a temptation. They are easier to trample and ignore. This is a dangerous way to treat the next generation. It is selfish and stupid. If we tell the leaders of tomorrow that they're no good, our world will only fall further. If we tell them they are worth loving, and that they are infinitely loved by the God who created them [even just through our actions], we may just stand a chance. 

Dogma

Sometimes my husband and I have these one-sided conversations where he just sits there with his eyes shut and I talk. It's a little frustrating, but I'm more of a talker than he is so I've learned not to mind it much!

Today we had one such conversation as a follow-up to something we'd briefly discussed earlier. I'm writing a research paper that is very challenging to me personally as I basically evaluate everything I've ever been taught about doctrine. It's going to be a doozy! So while I am researching, I mention to my husband that I may not know exactly what I believe yet because I haven't researched it fully in the Bible, but I have an idea of what I think I believe (weird, I know, but it does the job for now!). He proceeded to ask me what I believed and we got into a small tiff about it, ending with us deciding not to argue because it wasn't worthwhile in the moment.

I was glad my husband made that choice to set it aside for the time being, but my feathers were ruffled. I was trying to think of ways to bring it up and was determined to find proof for what I'd said in the Bible. It was foolish, childish, and mean-spirited. Luckily, I had the chance to think for a moment about what I was doing. My motives were not good. I wanted to teach him a lesson. But how is that at all Christ-like?

Later when we were having our one-sided conversation, I was telling my husband that I want to become less dogmatic about my beliefs. I remember my home church mentioning that they had "closed-hand" beliefs and "open-hand" beliefs. Things that would sit within a closed hand would be considered totally essential. Open hand beliefs are, generally, things non-essential for salvation or a Christian life. I'm not going to get into it now, but I was reminded of this idea of open and closed-handed beliefs, and I realized that most of my beliefs rest within my tightly closed hand. I am not angered to the point of arguing when someone disagrees with my personal beliefs, but I do become rather judgmental. 

I am learning that, especially for the sake of unity and evangelism, it is so important for the Church to be open-handed about things that aren't essentials. I know that all this has been said before, but I wish it were actually done more, especially by me. I long to see the Church worshipping as one unit, rather than many factions. I am so glad that God is the one who decides, and I have complete confidence that this longing will be fulfilled one glorious day!

Faith Like...Mice?!

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I bought two small mice as pets. We both wanted something to love and care for, but couldn’t quite commit to a dog or a cat. They were cheap, cute, and the store had tons of them! Since we bought them, Benji and Rosemary, both girls, have reminded me so much about I relate to God, and how I want to relate to God.

Benji is a small, thin, black mouse. She runs on the wheel often, an only eats what is necessary. Rosemary, a chubby white mouse, eats whenever she is awake. Though it might seem as if Benji is already on my good side for being so fit and taking such good care of herself (she also takes good care of Rosemary, acting as the older sister figure while Rose sleeps), she also is very jumpy and still has yet to sit willingly in my hand. She has moved from only sniffing from afar for a quick second to leaning onto my hand with her front paws while her back paws are as far away from my hand as possible to crawling fully but briefly onto my hand if it is very still and very low to the ground. Though she doesn’t usually seem frightened, she does clearly lack confidence in me and treats my husband the same way.

Rosemary, the borderline glutton, is the relational mouse. She loves to sleep close to her sister, and excitedly crawls into my palm as soon as she notices it (mice are mostly blind, you know). She is the one who will likely fall asleep in my hand because she is so content to just BE with me. She will sit and sniff and crawl and sleep – my hand is her favorite place to be. It is wonderful and fills me with so much joy whenever she is near me. Though Benji is not quite as trusting yet, every step she takes in that direction also brings me joy! I love for my mice to be near me.

I think this is good depiction of how God feels about us. We are so nervous and awkward about talking to Him and being in His presence, but He enjoys us! Like Benji, we lack the confidence and are overly cautious when there is no reason at all to question our safety or His motives. He longs for us to be like Rosemary, sitting with Him, “squeaking” with delight and being content! He loves it when we get braver but is saddened when we move away in distrust. And He rejoices when we come near!

Sadly I am so much like Benji. I feel uncomfortable in my Father’s presence, unsure what to do or say, just ready to be done as soon as possible. How much His heart must break when we treat Him that way! I pray I will learn to trust Him more, learn to love Him more. That I am become so content in His presence I could just live in His hands. I’m not quite there, but I can pray and strive. And He will never love me less for my imperfections, but only love me more.

Because God Is Love

There has been a lot of talk about Miley Cyrus, so I thought I'd join in! Let's be honest: we've all heard the newest singles, seen the shocking videos, and laughed at the memes. So many cruel comments have been made about Miley, and though I agree that she is going down a path that will only lead to more pain for her, I don't think anyone has the right to share their hateful opinions. One Youtube user had this to say:

I admit that I have laughed at the jokes and been ashamed of her behavior. Yet it is clear that she is just another young woman who is hurting and broken. What gives us the right to call her names and be disgusted? Is her sin any worse than ours? God does see her in all her brokenness and humility and says: BEAUTIFUL. WORTHWHILE. REDEEMABLE. ENOUGH TO DIE FOR. No matter what decisions she is making, she is worth it to Him, just like the rest of us. Let's start acting Christ-like. Who knows how many people we are turning away from Jesus when they see our disdain for Miley's behavior? We don't have to approve, but we do have to love. And it really isn't about Miley at all. I mean, most of us don't actually know her, but how many of us know people like her? Yet if we can't bring ourselves to stop judging her long enough to love those around us, we are keeping ourselves from becoming more like Christ, and that is our goal, is it not? 

I know that this isn't my most eloquent post, but this is what's on my heart. As a last note, there is a moment in Miley's new video when she looks as if she is going to cry. I don't recommend watching the video, as it really is rather inappropriate, but I took a screenshot for reference.

She may be famous, but she's only human. 

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
1 John 4:7-12

Rejoice

Death is never easy. When someone we love dies, we feel cheated. We worry about the opportunities we never took, the ones we’ll never have. It’s like a dream, and part of us wants to pretend it never happened. Even when a believer dies, it’s hard to not to feel this way. However hard it may be, though, we know we can REJOICE!

REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS,

I WILL SAY IT AGAIN,

REJOICE!

(Phil. 4:4)

Yes, even in death, we can rejoice! We rejoice because we are not bound by death! We rejoice because Christ has conquered death! We rejoice because nothing we can do will keep us from the love of God and because those who have left this world ahead of us are rejoicing in the presence of the Almighty, the Everlasting God Who was and is and always will be! So, though we mourn our own loss, we know that we are not separated forever. As my best friend’s mom always says, “It isn’t ever goodbye, only ‘see you later’!” So mourn for a moment, and then REJOICE!

In loving memory of Brenda Picard – We’ll see you later, Brenda!

Fear Is Not Real

On Monday, July 15^th, 2013, at about 6:55 pm, I was on my way to babysit for a friend of mine. Driving down the road from my apartment, I was singing along with a worship song on the radio when the car in front of me signaled to turn right into a driveway. Instead, the driver stopped right in front of me, causing me to brake quickly and look for a way out on the left. The inside lane was already occupied by another driver, so I stopped there, inches away from the person in front of me. Looking for an escape, I heard a loud crashing sound and felt my body jerk forward. Another driver had tried to move into our lane without realizing we were both stopped, and hit the bumper of my car. It was my first car accident, and my worst fear come true. In shock, I looked around, unsure what to do. The inside lane was finally clear so I pulled around the stopped car and parked on the side of the road in front of them. I then spent the next hour talking with these other drivers and waiting for police to do something.

At first, I was terrified. I was afraid to get out of the car and see the damage done. Luckily, no one was hurt in any way, and the cars weren’t even in bad shape.  Still, I spent most of the evening shaking in my [metaphorical] boots. In the few days since then, I’ve been a little uneasy about driving. I do what I have to, but I am even more cautious than before. Today I was on the freeway and found myself tightly enclosed by cars and felt suddenly claustrophobic for one small moment. However, rather than consuming me, the feeling faded, and I felt the peace of God move over me. Fear retreated and peace took over.

I believe that there is nothing to fear in this life. In the movie, After Earth, Will Smith’s character told his son this: 

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me -- danger is very real, but fear is a choice.” 

In Christ, this is true. Satan takes hold of the fear we allow to take root in our hearts and he feeds it. His lies make it grow, if we so allow. Nothing we go through can truly shake us, if only we allow God to be our strength. We need only to trust in Him.

Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians are a great reminder:

“In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. We faithfully preach the truth. God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything” (2 Cor. 6:4-10).

Yes, surely nothing in this life can hinder us, so long as we lean on Christ. Neither death nor this life can harm us, for in him we have everlasting life!