Prisoner of the Lord

There are moments when I feel everything within me collapse. It's as if my body were a building and it suddenly and simply falls, for no reason at all. I crumble, sure that there is no way I'll ever be able to get back up. This is how I feel after a panic attack. 

The anxiety itself is exhausting; I become completely and totally overwhelmed, and most of the time I am incredibly and uncontrollably angry at myself. I feel utterly ridiculous, crashing around, wanting to both scream and sob. It's like a war is waging within me and I cannot say a word. I just feel all these things and evil words are racing through my brain at a hundred miles an hour and I can no longer breathe or speak or think. I am helpless. When it passes, I feel defeated. 

Though depression used to be my main demon, anxiety has taken over. I often find myself wondering if I am crazy and if I will ever find peace. I know I need to go to counseling, but I haven't found the strength to do so yet. The fear is so crippling; knowing how broken I am tends to make me more afraid. I fear that it will never leave me. I fear I am the only one. I fear that it will become worse. However, no matter how big the fear may be, my God is bigger.

I am writing this post, still reeling from the latest attack. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on New Year's Eve after the anxiety had left me, and I was afraid. My husband comforted me with words of truth:

"You are not crazy."

"It will be okay, one day, even if that isn't in this life."

"You are not alone."

Oh, how wonderful those words were; what a comfort to my aching spirit. I still found myself sniffling away the tears, but with a newfound hope. I am not a prisoner to my fears, nor to Satan. Instead, I am a prisoner of Christ, my Lord and Savior, the man who died on the cross to take away my burdens, not in this life, but in the next. I am often ashamed by my struggles, afraid to tell anyone, and afraid to deal with them. It isn't always okay in our society to not be okay, but I am here to tell you that it will be okay, one day. When Christ returns, He shall conquer all fear, pain, and sickness. Until that day, may these words be as much a comfort to you as they are to me:

"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all" (Ephesians 4:1-6).

 No matter how hopeless it may feel, I am not the enemy's prisoner. I am a prisoner of the Lord, and I will walk as such.