A Lesson Learned (The Hard Way)

It's true that you can't serve both God and money (see Matthew 6:23-25 and Luke 16:12-14). God has forced this idea upon me in the last few months.

Last month I was graciously approached by my best friend's family, who wanted to help me pay for school each month. This month, my payment was late and I didn't know what to do. I discovered I also owed money to Sallie Mae, a loan company, and that payment was late as well. My bank account only had $11.88. I owed over $300. 

My heart began to doubt God's ability to provide for me. It had always seemed as if simply telling people "Yeah, I just need to trust God," and then ignoring the problem would be close enough to actually trusting God. The situation was impossible. How could I trust God to let me provide for myself if He wouldn't even give me a job? My mindset couldn't have been more skewed. God pushed me and pushed me until I was hanging from the edge, so that He could be my only hope. After crying, I decided to pray. My conclusion was that, rather than dwelling in worry, I would release it to God, and pray some more. Later that day we sang the song "Let Me Feel You Shine" by David Crowder Band, and a few of the lyrics really hit me:

If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light, then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight. If I could feel You shine, oh, let me feel You shine. So beautiful and warm; so beautiful and bright. Like a sun coming out of a rainy sky. Oh, let me feel You shine, oh, let me feel You shine. I lift the knife to the thing I love most, praying You'll come so I can have both. What I need is for You to touch me. What I need is for You to be the thing that I need.

Yesterday I received a letter from the business office. I thought it was going to be a reprimand, as my monthly payment was late. To my extreme surprise, the letter said someone had anonymously applied $180 to my account. Later that day a family from my church wrote a check that (in conjunction with the anonymous payment) covered the rest of my bill for this school year! In addition, my best friend's family sent a check, which I received this morning, that will cover the loan money I needed to pay.

It's so ridiculous the way that God provides. I understand now that He wasn't abandoning me, but rather pulling me closer to Himself. Through this experience I've learned a taste of what it's like to trust God, and to see Him come through, even though I had to learn it the hard way! I wanted to share this experience with you because what our God does is pretty amazing. I am set for the rest of this school year (which was my goal), and I know that God will provide. He doesn't need me to be in charge. I need Him to be in charge!

Let Me Feel You Shine (Acoustic) by David Crowder

I Am Free!

This morning we had chapel (like a mini church service during the week!), but rather than a speaker coming to give a message after a short worship session, the school's singing group played worship the entire period. It was great, to say the least! Though sermons are always a great way for God to speak to His people, I also appreciate worship. It's such a personal way to encounter God. I've heard a few students complain that they only come to chapel for the message (and because it's required), because worship just isn't their thing. That breaks my heart. Though I don't always 'get' something out of worship, it's usually very special.

Today as we sang songs, I was reminded of the church I went to before moving for school. My mom started taking my siblings and I to Elevation when I was about thirteen years-old. It all started with "two families, and a dog named Carson," and grew and grew and grew! It's still only been six years since they began, but they've come a long way! I continue to miss the people from my church, even though I didn't always like going.

Being thirteen is rough. I remember sitting in church at Elevation (which was then held in a movie theater), and thinking about how boring it was, and how I never understood what was going on. As I grew older, I wandered further and further from God, though I hadn't been very close to Him to begin with. My life was just that: MY life. And no one, especially some far-off deity, could tell me how to live it. At the same time, my heart was breaking. I knew I was far from God, and even though I supposedly 'didn't care,' it bothered me. As I sinned, I cursed God for making me feel guilty about it.

It may seem as if I'm simply rambling, but there really is a point here. This morning as I worshiped my God, wholeheartedly, I remembered when I would stand in church every week as a teenager, sobbing. As I walked away from God, my heart cried out to Him. I would stand in a crowd of people, so very broken, and at the time I didn't even know why I was crying. This happened for months. After two years of blatantly disobeying God, I realized what my heart was saying. I missed Him. Though I'd never truly known God, I still missed Him. The depths of my soul hungered to know Him; to know what it was like to be free from the bondage of sin.

Today, God reminded me of who I am. My heart, my soul, and my body belong to Christ Jesus! Tears filled my eyes as I worshiped God with pure joy. Through Him alone I am free. I no longer need to mourn for what could have been, because I can rejoice for what IS! I am free to run, free to dance, and free to live for HIM!