Choose to Fight

Let's face it: depression is crippling. It's like an all-consuming monster, lurking at every moment just beneath the surface of the heart. When a Christian is depressed, Satan uses lies to deepen the hurt. Satan may not be the only one speaking, but his is loud and powerful, and it's not only that you feel like giving in; you don't feel like you're able to do anything to stop it.

I understand. Depression makes you feel completely alone and powerless, but that isn't the truth. Satan wants you to think that you have no hope, but there is hope. God's love is bigger and stronger and fiercer than depression. His love casts out fear, it perseveres, and it conquers. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that, even though you're suffering, everything is fine and you just need to suck it up. Chances are, you're sucking it up as much as you can already. However, I want you to know that this is worth the fight. We cannot allow depression to swallow us whole. Go on and cry, but also pray. If there's nothing else you can say, just say His name. Don't sink into the lies that Satan has laid as traps for you. 

If you are depressed, chances are you're not going to be okay tomorrow (but, who knows?!). That does not mean that you must give in. Don't let it fester, and don't pretend to be okay. Tell someone. Ask for help. Pray. It's okay to not be okay, but it isn't okay to lie about it. Depression isn't just what you're feeling now, it's a battle that won't go away if you don't fight. Fight for yourself, fight for your spouse, fight for your friends, and fight for your family. So stand up, or lie down, or do whatever you can bring yourself to do...and choose to fight. 

Just Be

If you had to describe yourself using only one word, what would you say? There seems to be so much pressure to define ourselves, to find a way to prove we are unique with one glance or one word. I have wasted so much of my life trying to "create" myself, to be who they want me to be or to become who I want me to be. I have placed all my value on what others think of me, and even on what I think of me. I've torn my hair out, aching with sadness.

We can spend our whole lives working to be good enough and never make it. There will always be someone we disappoint, but let's not make it ourselves. We were not created to wallow in self-pity or to bask in our own glory. Rather, we were created to reflect the glory of God. What we wear, say, do or feel, is not who we are. We are children of God. We are learning and growing and changing constantly. We are stumbling and laughing and crying. And that's okay. When we realize who we are (and whose we are), we free ourselves to just be.

Prisoner of the Lord

There are moments when I feel everything within me collapse. It's as if my body were a building and it suddenly and simply falls, for no reason at all. I crumble, sure that there is no way I'll ever be able to get back up. This is how I feel after a panic attack. 

The anxiety itself is exhausting; I become completely and totally overwhelmed, and most of the time I am incredibly and uncontrollably angry at myself. I feel utterly ridiculous, crashing around, wanting to both scream and sob. It's like a war is waging within me and I cannot say a word. I just feel all these things and evil words are racing through my brain at a hundred miles an hour and I can no longer breathe or speak or think. I am helpless. When it passes, I feel defeated. 

Though depression used to be my main demon, anxiety has taken over. I often find myself wondering if I am crazy and if I will ever find peace. I know I need to go to counseling, but I haven't found the strength to do so yet. The fear is so crippling; knowing how broken I am tends to make me more afraid. I fear that it will never leave me. I fear I am the only one. I fear that it will become worse. However, no matter how big the fear may be, my God is bigger.

I am writing this post, still reeling from the latest attack. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on New Year's Eve after the anxiety had left me, and I was afraid. My husband comforted me with words of truth:

"You are not crazy."

"It will be okay, one day, even if that isn't in this life."

"You are not alone."

Oh, how wonderful those words were; what a comfort to my aching spirit. I still found myself sniffling away the tears, but with a newfound hope. I am not a prisoner to my fears, nor to Satan. Instead, I am a prisoner of Christ, my Lord and Savior, the man who died on the cross to take away my burdens, not in this life, but in the next. I am often ashamed by my struggles, afraid to tell anyone, and afraid to deal with them. It isn't always okay in our society to not be okay, but I am here to tell you that it will be okay, one day. When Christ returns, He shall conquer all fear, pain, and sickness. Until that day, may these words be as much a comfort to you as they are to me:

"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all" (Ephesians 4:1-6).

 No matter how hopeless it may feel, I am not the enemy's prisoner. I am a prisoner of the Lord, and I will walk as such.