A few nights ago I was laying in bed, pondering over the turmoil I have been feeling lately. I was begging God for some sense of understanding and resolution. Though the conversation is foggy now, I simply remember realizing that this feeling of turmoil almost always points to one thing: growth. It can be an ugly word as it rolls around in our heads or on our tongues because it means giving up comfort and ease. It means being willing to be stretched and torn; to itch for change and then to beg for stability again. When God chooses to grow us, we often groan and whine and wonder what on Earth He is doing.
At the same time, we can take comfort when we grow that it means we are still worthwhile to Him. It means that we are broken and struggling but that God has such immense love for us that He desires to make us better and bring us closer to Him at the same time. We may not even know what He is doing in us, but we can find peace in that fact that we are not done yet.
Though I do not have the faith of Hadassah yet, I feel that perhaps God is growing me in that area. In the meantime I can cling to Him. Oh, what a beautiful pain it is, to be so desperate for Him. It will be difficult, but it will be beautiful. As John said, "He must increase, but I must decrease." And all that I may glorify Him!
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